Funny and stupid teacher quotes (by real IB teachers)


"Spell check doesn't really work
when it is an actual word, I guess."


When asked what he (the teacher) looks for in a good essay:

"It should be both broad.... and specific"

When a student asked about his/her grade:

"Well, yes, you were broad and specific, but you were also general."



When asked to explain the meaning of trace conditioning:

"It'''s what it's like....
a traaace.... get it?"




The Math HL teacher assumes we know pretty much everything, some of her common expressions are:

"Back in kindergarten you could integrate this..."
"I will skip a few lines in order not to insult your
"When you were 2 going on 3 you could already simplify this to..."

In the
meantime I have no idea what's going on…




"What does your reproductive package look like?"
-Biology teacher trying to find a set of notes he gave us on reproduction.




Teacher ”...and eggs are considered the largest cells--which would probably be ostrich eggs, or in the past--dinosaur eggs”.
Student A  “What about elephant eggs?”




History teacher when we came back after the summer:
”You have now been on holiday, it is a wonderful time where we cleanse our mind.
Cleanse it of impurities such as details and knowledge”.




Chemistry teacher (with a scottish accent)
”These are pi-orbitals…not apple pie, or mince meat pie, but pi…mathematical pi".


Biology teacher:
”If you look at these fruitflies, you’ll remark that they all have red eyes…and that’s not because they’ve been up half the night writing extended essays…”



Teacher is lecturing when student unwraps her candy to eat it. Teacher gives student a look that most people interpret as “what do you think you’re doing eating candy in my class”. Student looks nervous.

Teacher says “That doesn’t work. You need to get some silent candy”



Common phrase said by Math teacher. After explaining difficult concepts, teacher says “is it Greek”?

No, it’s worse. It’s math.



Chemistry teacher when taking a piece of sodium out of a jar to put in a beaker with water

“If I don’t concentrate now, I will explode” giggling in class

teacher ”no really, it’s happened before” class erupts in laughter

(teacher starts telling story about kids who died from a explosion when dropping a large piece of sodium in water)




Funny teacher quotes written by IB Weird





“This is called Darwinism, it states that you all descended from the apes. Now, that isn’t too difficult too imagine, or is it!


“Students, say hello to Mr. Stick!”


“To be gay, is to be happy!”


“Tommy, I would like to talk to you after the class individually about medieval torture.”






“I can’t take it anymore… the pressure, The Pressurrreee… or was it the volume held as a controlled variable? Hm…”


“So you are my new students! Okay, look children, this is an equation: My old students + Flammable Acids = BOOM!!!


“My name is Bond… James Bond.


“I have no prejudice. I hate all of you equally, you malodorous perverts.”


“You can stay here forever, and ever, and ever.”


“Now if it’s one thing you shouldn’t do, then it is to do what I just did.”




“Some students are born great, some fight for success and win their glory, some achieve what others find impossible, but Tommy here students… Well…”


“My job is to produce skilled mathematicians, while Universe is producing larger idiots. The problem is that Universe is winning and you guys will make me unemployed!”


“At least the root of the average that came last weak are here!”




“Today, Electricity. You see my father was the chair of applied electricity at the state prison and…”

“Today, let’s talk about their curves and the famous triangle of vectors… what do you say, boys! *laughing with one eye shut*”

“Here’s Johnny!!”


“You remember the days when you could throw erasers on your teacher, REVENGE!!!”


”Here are my Scottish terms: Lower your flags and march straight back to England. Stopping at every home you pass by to beg forgiveness for 100 years of theft, rape and murder. Do that, and your men shall live. Do it not, and everyone of you will die today.”


“Hm… Who was Joan of Arc, Noah’s Wife?”





“Can’t you use another word instead of thesaurus?”




“Let’s get this straight, You say “Colour”, I say “Color”, you say “We’ll talk to the principal.” I say “Genocide.”


“Now this just isn’t worth the paper it’s written on, Tommy… *sigh*.”


“To be or not to be… Not to be… he he…”*


                                * This line may be used in Chemistry as well





“I would like to talk to you after the lesson, bitch.”


“Are you not learning anything? Why are you still coming here?”


* this one always works





“You see students, I am God. Well, I prayed last night, and all the sudden I realised that I actually talked to myself.


”Danny: Tony, I'm scared. Tony: Remember what Mr. Hallorann said. It's just like pictures in a book, Danny. It isn't real."


“Sscch! …I hear the nuns in my head again. Okay, go on.”


“I kick arse in the name of the Lord”!





“What is CAS?”





“If I have run this 12 km myself? No, that’s just dumb.”


“I would like to say one thing about today’s lesson: pain…



Anytime (this even involves breaks)


“Do you remember how to act now in a case of fire? That’s right: just duck and cover…”


Teacher note: Just decrease the time of breaks to a total of zero, and this complex chapter can be avoided. Furthermore, don’t watch too many movies!