20 ways to write an essay

 

 

  1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

 

  1. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

 

  1. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.

 

  1. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't.

 

  1. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

 

  1. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."

 

  1. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.

 

  1. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.

 

  1. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.

 

  1. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This is a nifty way to get an extension.)

 

  1. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

 

  1. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.

 

  1. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.

 

  1. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.

 

  1. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

 

  1. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

 

  1. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

 

  1. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

 

  1. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

 

  1. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.