I have hacked into Microsoft and
stolen their Windows 3.11 code and here it is. I am sure that
they would love any improvements for the next version.
#include <windows.h>
#include <system_errors.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
main()
{
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right \
or just call it Chicargo)\n");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(1) {
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
if (rand() <0.9) crash(complete_system);
}
return(unrecoverable_system);
}
McAfee-Question : Is Windows a
virus ?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the
system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system
is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup,
that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they
mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
The Top 11 Things People Think
The 95 In Windows95 Really Stands For
--------------------------------------------------------------------
11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their
hardware. 8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the
manual.
6. The percentage of existing windows programs that won't run in
the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to
run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really
stands for..
(Drum roll please...)
1. The year it was *DUE* to ship.
Windows95: Plug and Pray !
Didn't you know what is
Multitasking in Windows???
Oh, that's very simple.
That's when 3 people are looking at the hourglass at the same
time!
Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that
would be more appropriate than "Start Me Up" for the
Windows '95 commercial
10) Just My Imagination
9) I'm Going Down
8) Let It Bleed
7) Gimme Shelter
6) Bitch
5) Shattered
4) Play With Fire
3) (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
2) You Can't Always Get What you Want
.. and the number one.. one.. one..
1) 19th Nervous Breakdown
Here are the 25 good things
about Windows 95®
25.Pretty sky picture makes you feel nice.
24.Ensures that Bill Gates is too occupied to run for goverment
office.
23.Lets people spend money in a meaningless way with out getting
a hangover.
22.Gives IS departments something to deny their users.
21.Provides a vast amount of work for honest writers.
20.It's not OS/2. 19.Mac-like interface.
18.Comes with it's own hardware wizard.
17.Plug and Play
16.Runs on a 386(that has a Pentium computer on top of it.)
15.Makes DOS look good.
14.It knows that 16-bit apps are easier to write.
13."Win95 is earier to say than OS/2 Warp 3.1 Connect".
12.1,600 tech-support reps are ready to take your calls.
11.Makes work seem preferable to spending 169 minuutes on hold.
10.Loads in only 4MB.(wink)
9.CD version makes a good Frisbee.
8.Eve-pleasing colors.
7.Makes running those boring business applictions more fun.
6.Brings a network to it's knees.
5.Makes you wonder what Window 1-94 were like.
4.Could have been raw sewage, and people would of bought it.
3.Finally gave IBM a reason to laugh.
2.Can be uninstalled.
1.Installing it is optional!!
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Microsoft Keybord
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard
designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found
on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new
keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional.
The keys in development are:
1) GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the
purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by
eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a
General Protection Fault.
2) $$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the
need for further action or third party intervention.
3) ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of
Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or
Windows within the file being edited.
4) MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled
"Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1"
window.
5) FUD key--Self explanatory.
6) Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
7) IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.