DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE
TO PROGRAM?
Do you want the instant respect which comes from being able to
use technical terms THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS?
Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts and minds
(if available) of DP managers EVERYWHERE?
If this is so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you
into the world of PROFESSIONAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMING!
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Q: What do top programmers earn?
A: Despite popular myths, some programmers actually DO earn a
living they love. Other, less fortunate programmers work in their
spare time at home while watching television. Either way, your
potential earnings as a computer programmer could reach into the
millions (possibly even into the BILLIONS!) of dollars. Of
course, your success depends a lot upon your abilities, luck,
shoe size, the phase of the moon, etc.
Q: Is programming for YOU?
A: Programming is NOT for everyone. However, if you have a desire
to learn, we can help you get started. ALL you need is the Famous
Programmers' Course and enough money to keep those lessons coming
month after month.
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******* Take Our FREE Aptitude Test! *******
To help you determine if YOU are qualified to be a programmer,
take a moment to try this simple test:
1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine, and the first six
letters of the alphabet. (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF)
2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
3) What is the state capital of Idaho?
If you read ALL three of the above questions without wondering
why we asked them, then you are imminently qualified for a future
as a computer programmer.
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******* A New Kind Of Programming! *******
They say that a GOOD programmer can write TWENTY LINES of
effective program code a day! With our unique training system,
we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code, and LOTS more!
Our course covers EVERY PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE IN EXISTENCE, and
even some that aren't! You'll learn why the ON/OFF switch for the
computer is so important, what the words 'FATAL ERROR' mean, and
even who should be blamed when YOU cause it!
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******* Student Successes *******
Many of our students have gone on to achieve great successes in
ALL FIELDS of computer programming! One of our former students
was the one who developed the concept of the personalized form
letter.... Does the phrase, "Dear Mr. [insert name], YOU may
already be a winner!" sound familiar? It should! It has
already become a standard in the computing industry!
Another student writes, "After only FIVE lessons, I sold an
article I wrote, titled 'My Most Unforgettable Program' to
Corrosive Computing Magazine!"
Another Graduate Student writes, "I recently completed a
database-management program for my department manager, who was
touched so deeply that he was SPEECHLESS! He told me later that
he had never seen such a program in his entire career, and gave
me a vacation! Thank you, Famous Programmers' School! Only YOU
could've made all this possible!"
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*******DON'T DELAY!*******
Send for our introductory brochure which explains in vague detail
the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll be
eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner
of which can vie for a set of free steak knives! If you don't do
it now, what will you say when your friend comes around and says
"Gee, I just joined the Famous Programmer' School, and it's
just GREAT!" ?
Simply Fill out the form below and mail it to:
FAMOUS PROGRAMMERS' SCHOOL
Dept. APRFOL
P.O. Box 4634
Paulsborough, NH 03458-0463
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YES, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer!
enclose $1000 in small, unmarked bills to cover the cost of
postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
Please send it to:
Name: _____________________________________________________
Address: __________________________________________________
City: _____________________________ State:_________________
Zip: __________________ Phone: (_____)_____-_______
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How to program in "C"
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you
didn't quite understand.
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer
is?"
[ No, and my program doesn't, either! ]
How to debug a "C" program.
1] If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and
excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is
probably unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't
fix the bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes
you look bad.
The recent submission of "How to program in C" left out
some very important rules.
I have come up with the following list of additional rules in
order to give the serious student some aid and the professional a
refresher.
How to program in 'C' -
addendum
1] Rewrite standard functions and give them your own obscure
names.
2] Use obscure, proprietary, non-portable, compiled library
packages so that you never have to move from the platform you
love so well.
3] Use very descriptive comments like /* printf("Hello
world\n"); */ before each function call.
4] REMEMBER - Carriage returns are for weenies. Tabs are for
those who have not reached weenie-dom yet.
5] Include LOTS of inline assembly code.
6] "User Interfaces" are for morons. "Users"
have no business interfacing with a professional product like
yours.
7] If you are forced to comment your code (in English), then
borrow comments from somebody else's code and sprinkle them
throughout yours. It's quick, easy, and fun to watch people's
expressions as they try to figure it out.
8] Remember to define as many pre-processor symbols as possible
in terms of already defined symbols. This is considered
'efficient use of code'.
How to debug a 'C' program - addendum
1] Since you got it to compile, the problem must be in the Other
Guys Code.
2] If it's all your code then the problem MUST be in those
unreliable Standard Libraries. See '1.' in the previous section.
3] Claim the bug reports are viscious lies meant to tarnish your
sterling reputation as a 'C' programmer (well aren't they?).
After all, those who wrote the reports couldn't even read your
code. How could they possibly know if there was a bug or not?
3.a] If they could read your code, review "How to program in
'C'", above.
4] Claim that there wouldn't be a problem if this stingy
Company/School/Wife/etc would spring for a copy of C++.
If you still have a Job/Degree objective/Wife/Mind/etc after
utilizing the above rules then you simply aren't trying hard
enough.
Q: How do I send electronic mail? A: I'm busy now, please send me e-mail. Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction? Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug. Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow. Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding. MIS: I'll drink it if you can give me until next year. Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk. Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how. Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking. UI designers: What's that crap in my glass? Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that. Windows users: Where's my straw? Mac users: Where's my pump? UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy. Multimedia author: [slurp!] Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for. Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go? CIA: What makes you think that's milk? NSA: We know what it really is. Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it! Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind! Schroedinger: That damned cat got into the milk again! Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk. Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier. IBM: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you. IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year. National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ!