NEW - Different color from previous design
ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope...
HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on
PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain
LATEST AER0SPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing
Dictionary
Adobe: A surprisingly strong building material, at least when
building a software monopoly.
Apple solutions: A strategy for seeding the industry with former
vice presidents.
Digital video editing: Technospeak for "make my computer
scream in pain."
Power Computing: The ghost of Apple past.
PowerPC Platform: The campaign to make Intel a historical
footnote.
URL: Useless, random location.
Windows 95: How many closed windows users must toss their PCs
through in frustration before successfully upgrading to
Microsoft's latest operating system.
World Wide Web: That tangled thing we weave when first trying to
make the Internet friendly.
Zip: The sound of a body bag being closed around SyQuest's EZ135
drive.
TELECOMMUNICATIONS DICTIONARY
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Token Ring: A virtual engagement gift.
Ethernet: A device for catching the Ether Bunny.
Asynch: A place to wash your hands.
Bysnch: The place where Elton John washes his hands.
BBS: Tall tales told by insects that produce honey.
ASCII: The ancient god of telecommunications. Rumored to give
vast amounts of data to believers. Hence, the phrase "ASCII
and you shall receive."
Block Parity: One heck of a good time.
File Transfer: Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff who
are tired of their present jobs.
Hayes Compatible: Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who
sings off-key. Gene Autry is the industry standard.
Serial Interface: A spoon.
Terminal Emulation: A function performed by a canary that lays on
its back with its legs in the air.
X-Modem: A device on the losing end of an encounter with
lightning.
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in
getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't
work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's
released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented
by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a
plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a
German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly
dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so
enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message
that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death,
and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny
spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if
the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on
speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all
files that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to
place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet
- except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you
an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that
can be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When
the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate
through a series of Help screens and end up where they started
from without learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as
intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable
junk.
Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of
variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main
parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red
light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of
high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons
and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires
who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on
whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by
estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months
from it.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept
that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and
expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.